For this Sunday, I was left together with a younger male cousin of mine because the rest of the fam was in Dahilayan for a church-youth event.
Normally, I wouldn’t care, as I’m used to my own company at home (or anywhere, if I should say so). During weekends, I don’t really know a clock. Lels I wake up and eat at any time I prefer~ ‘Tis the #lazylife (^^ゞ Then again, I have someone with me now, and I’m so torn whether I adjust myself to him or I let him adjust to me.
Actually… it’s not the first time that I have such thoughts. Even though it’s our house, I always feel so conscious when people come over (except my friends, of course) and I wouldn’t even show myself. Perhaps a factor is that I’m not made up, you know, I’m just in my pambahay – don’t get me started on how I look. I wouldn’t say hideous but maybe not presentable? Puhaha
Well, yeah, I’m an introvert and it so happens my cousin is too. That’s where the struggle was/is. And we haven’t been close due to distance and other circumstances; he’s staying at our home because he’s working in the city at the moment. I could go on and on, but in essence, we just don’t have a lot to talk about. Or we’re born to be this set of silent beings.
I honestly don’t know. Maybe I’m just spurting out excuses. Nevertheless, I do acknowledge I’m this person who is so uncomfortable with silence but I srsly don’t have the knack for livening things up or for saying the right things. I’m awkward and I hate, hate, hate it.
Being around people is such a chore for me. Once more, it’s a different story when I’m with chums, but in general, I find myself wanting to be away, like detached. Okay, not exactly those adjectives, but somewhere around tired. (It’s not all the time, ‘kayyy.) I overthink, and that includes having to mull over, “What do I have to say?” “What do I do?” “Should I say this or not?” My mind is a freaking battlefield.
At the same time though, I want to open up, make new friends, all those possibilities~ I want to be this interesting someone who you can talk with about anything – I long for this judgment even at first glance. The usual impressions I have are maldita, snob and the like. I WANT TO CLEAR UP MY NAME. Chars. I’m so damn approachable, playful and free but why don’t folks come and get me??
So, back to… We both had dinner silently. It was the longest 10-15mins of my life. Pretty small talk was shared, but after that: SILENCE.
I simply want to change. I want to speak up and have conversations, whether serious or not. But I’ve also realized that I can’t do it all by myself. What I’m saying is, if I was always the only one who would start things going, and the other party would just reply nonchalantly and stop the talk (whether intentional or not), then I shouldn’t blame myself for the turnout of our exchange.
It’s challenging, this case. I need to solve my issues regarding convos and the outside world. Get yourself out of your safety haven, introverted girl. Oh, please…